Took some time off

Well this is my first blog in awhile. I decided instead of totally deleting my blog beofore I would just take some time off. I have so much going on in my head and life right now things are crazy. Lots of stuff happening at one time and there are days I feel like I am going to snap. Between Stephanies surgery, her healing, the kids getting sick, Jerrys accident in the front yard, him looking for a day job, Alisa looking for a job, the kids growing up and doing there own independent things more, my being sick, stuff with Jerrys sister, reuiniting with my family and much much more like just is like one big tilt a whirl right now. It seems no matter which way I turn things get crazier and life gets fasters. So I think I will start blogging again daily, to at least get some of this stuff off my chest. Look forward to talking to you girls again.

So beyond hurt

Lately I have been so hurt and upset that I honestly don't think there is anything anyone can say to make me feel better. Every single time I let someone into my life they screw me over in someway. I am tired of leaving myself open for hurt and rejection.

Have you ever heard the phrase that someone is just a rebound girl/boy friend. Well I also believe in rebound friendships. You know where you find someone and they are your best friend and everything shortly after they end a close friendship with someone. And no matter how much we tried to be there during that hard time of them losing a friend, as soon as that friend comes back around where does it leave you? Out in the cold. Sure you get a letter, call, email every now and then from them but it is obvious things are not what they used to be. And I know nothing I did changed. I have never been one to write, call, email often but I always responded. With 5 kids, husband and constant disability and sicknesses it gets hard. I am not saying "oh poor Patty" but I honestly have done what I can to keep up with friendships. I am so sorry my computer shut down for so long.

When I first started blogging I would get a couple comments about my blogs but what the hell is the point now. They only comment I get is "sorry your stopping your blog". Well geez maybe if there were comments before I wouldn't feel like I was talking to myself.

I think it would just be best to delete myself from all message boards, and blogs and just stick to facebook and myspace.

My Large Family

I have to admit when Jerry and I were dating and then got married I never imagined we would have such a big family. Growing up and thinking about my family size was something I never really thought about either. I know alot of people are amazed when they find out I have 5 kids. And I have heard every comment from "What a blessing!", "You are lucky", and "Good for you", "Don't you know what causes that yet?!" to which I have replied "Yes I do know what causes it, but hey when your so good at something why stop?! That usually hushes people up. I enjoy the positive comments from people. I just could never understand how people could say judgemental things though. I would never imagine saying to someone with one child "Don't you know how to make a baby yet, maybe you need more practice" I strongly feel each persons family size is a personal choice and not to be judged by others. I can honestly not imagine my life with a small family. And I realize that is what most parents say after they have their family complete but I have seriously sat and thought about it. When my kids were younger it was hard running around after 5 kids ages 8 and younger. And there were days I wanted to pull my hair out. Over the years though I have realized that this is what was meant to be. I love seeing my brood of kids every morning and putting them to bed at night. Every parent cherishes the hugs and kisses of their kids, the way a child runs to you when you walk in from being out, getting homemade gifts and all the other joys a child brings. I feel extremely blessed that I get all of the times 5!! I have had numerous stays in hospitals the past few years, and one of the things that kept me going were the phone calls home and waiting to talk to each of the 5 kids. Coming home and them running to me saying how much they missed me. I strongly believe they are what has kept me fighting through my health issues. I never once said "why me" or "poor Patty", I have always fought to get through it for them. When the doctors first thought I had MS, my main goal was to stay strong enough and fight it long enough to dance at each of my kids weddings. I would have given up years ago without them to fight for. I am not saying it is all fun and games with 5 kids running around, always trying to keep the peace, making sure each one feels special and loved, giving each of them alone time but somehow we do it. And of course we have made sacrifices due to a large sized family but I would not change one single thing just to make life easier. There is a saying "you never realize how much you love someone until they are gone". My saying is "You never realize how much you can love someone until they are there".

6:21:00 AM
by Patty